rays of dark matter

feel your breath.

a river of ice down pebbles of serpentine spine.
its really there.
your really there.

make a twist in Egyptian cotton
raw fingers search
split tongues hiss hushes.

open one eye
seeing your there.
do not stray far.

opening two eyes
you strayed far.
while
you digress

enough to know
to know to know to know
you were just another dream




minds work wonders.
your so wonderful

Tramplin daises

I wont choose again.
everything I pick.
I lose something else.


I cant go to this school.
I cant even be here for two weeks.
its been two years.
I wish some sort of tragedy would happen...
so that it always wasnt my fault.

"she just came out of nowhere"


says the deranged bus driver, who collided with the unfortunate 16 year old female in downtown Boston.
shejustcameoutofnowhere.

but I cant plot my death so easily.
I cant hope for some tragedy

is it still tragedy if you do it to yourself?
is it?

I think not.



"people are like socks, they should never be the same."

east of august.

Cape Cod today.
I thought it was weird, today was the first day I really started to appreciate New England. I really liked the trees, the vast beaches speckled with boats. It is the first time the sunset didnt bother me.
first time.
Im glad its the first time, I'm glad I'm starting to realize that not everything is California, other things have value, and they now to me, have value.
sometime, somewhere in between running knee high in warm salty water, accumulating rutted white scallop shells, playing with a family of pocket sized periwinkles I lost the nostalgia.
I just lost it.
something so bothersome seemed to disappear
but not completely.
Because things don't completely leave,
thing dont just up and go
they keep some cabinets open.
things dont just get lost.

I still mis Sean, and I still find it hard being away from him, I feel it hard to listen to lyrics of old songs, but with this new perspective. I cant really explain it, but I can recall it. Everything is being recycled, and I fall upon a Zoe I knew 3 years ago. I dont miss her one bit, but I miss Sean, so I gather this new out look, and sort of treasure it. but only "sort of"
but I hope this experience has taught me something.
I like the way my legs feel after running, I like the way they give in when I go down steps, I like that, and I hope I like the other things coming my way. I hope I dont become sad and depressed and allergic to the sun, i hope the periwinkles I saved are conversing in the shallow bay of Cape cod.
I hope that one day
one day
I will see
what its like
to completely lose nostalgia.
that one day
is California.

a grey whales white bones.

I just wanted to let you know.
that when we are talking on the phone
beginning to leave.
about to end our conversation.
about to say goodnight.
when i say "wait" or
when I say your name
I catch your attention.
I catch it, so I dont have to hangup
I dont have to end another conversation.
cause I never really want to say goodnight
goodbye
sometimes I like farewells.
not our farewells.
I just wanted to let you know, that when I do that, I really just want to keep you on the line.
so that you dont hangup
because recently I have learned
that when you do.
this new feeling erupts.
and it makes me curl
paper to a flame.
what a old story.
I wish I never said goodbye to you tonight.
I probably wouldn't be half the mess I am now.
I love you.

paper to a flame
paper to a flame
paper to a flame
paper to a flame
paper to a flame

Wilted Lullaby

strangulated from the bad
though I had good times.
a little school tucked in the woods
shadowed by trees
mountains
freckled with chaparral.
let it go
she said
"you'll be fine."




















































I bid thee farewell

he had other fish to fry...

tropical storms
hurricane run.
a 15 year old cat can still play
play play play
who knows what im saying
donor oberst doesn't care that I like him
or I like his music
he doesn't care
that when he sings, he sings about me.
he doesn't care that I'm making a creepy pointless post from the absence of him.
wheres my ipod?
I cant find it.

oh, i know.
its with all my other dreams...
back in California

a blue bike for two.

so while summer leaves.
it leaves in a hurry
I cant enjoy it
when its back in Cali
My boyfriend, my friend, my ex friend, Maureen, my family.
those are summer
just a few months,
but they are summer.
But sometimes when I think about it, I knew it would leave fast, I knew it would happen, I sat with my friend at AJ's waving goodbye, so I scratched a rock. only I think I know that the only thing that stays is scars.
I hope that rock is scarred.
and I hope it never heals.
soo goodbye summer, Farewell California, even though the peaches in that bowl downstairs are like me, from there.
They will wilt and rot, or be eaten.
but though such similarities have occurred, 10:16 your time 1:18 mine, I will not wilt, rot or be eaten.
because I have been scarred.
I will stay.